Phat to Fabulous!

29 June 2011

Two-hundred and sixty-two

Two-hundred and sixty-two...
Two-hundred and sixty-two...
Two-hundred and sixty-two is the number that finally put me over the edge...the number that finally made me decide that this isn't a game...the number that made me realize that the only person buying my bullshit facade is me.

To get to that number you have to take a heavy dose of denial, a pinch of tears, a handful of courage, a little bit of coward, and a whole lot of stress.

In that number, is a girl who has always had issues with body image, even when she was a size 8, thinking she was fat, since all of her friends were a size 2.

In that number, is a girl who focuses on the things she can make "pretty" her face, her hair, the materialistic things that can distract from the obvious that makes her so unhappy.

In that number, is the stress of an over-achieving corporate sharecropper that never feels her best is good enough to be acknowledged, because it is always the wrong time, she has the wrong private parts or she is a little too tanned to be deemed acceptable.

In that number, is a child that misses the familiar laughter of a mother who might not remember her tomorrow.

In that number, is the wife that always tries to give a face of a solid family and household knowing that if her fat ass decided to try to walk on that string it would give and the whole pretty picture would come tumbling down in a heart beat.

In that number, is a mom who never feels that she lives up to her kids needs or wants, but proudly wears her mom of the century badge on her sleeve.

In that number, is a wife who understands her husband's need for affection, but has no clue how to let him love what she can't - herself.

In that number, is a woman who is done.

Done trying one last time, done looking for the new quick fix, done with not handling the things, done with high blood pressure, done with back pain, done with aches, just DONE.

Two-hundred and sixty-two, was the weight I was the day I made the decision to once in for all do something to save my own life and stop waiting for someone else to do it for me. This blog is being revisited, recreated, revived to help me adjust to taking that path for what I hope is the last time. Hopefully, this will be a good way for me to get some of my issues (no way in hell I handle all of them) out and in the open as I venture down this journey, as I have made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. I am not writing this blog for someone to try to change my mind and give me your opinion on what I should or shouldn't do, this is not your cross to bear, this is mine, hopefully you can respect that and offer the love and support that I will most definitely need on this journey.

~L

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posted by Elle Jefe at 6/29/2011 08:52:00 PM

4 Comments:

I think it is awesome that you are doing this for yourself! I will give you all the support and encouragement I can. My number was 202, that was when I made the decision that I couldn't be that person anymore either. Good luck with the surgery hon.

6/30/2011 8:12 AM  

I'm your sister wife and I love you at any size. Not stop making me cry. I'm here for ya girl as I always have been. Hoping I can give you some encouragement and motivation.

6/30/2011 9:13 AM  

You are amazing lady! So proud of you in every way-for what you are and are not cuz that just makes you even more special. Your beauty has always shown bright from the inside everywhere you are. I hope this brings you the path to happiness you deserve so very much.

Love ya bunches,
Holly

Ps- lemme go hit the gym quick before I get left in the dust :)

7/01/2011 12:37 AM  

I'm with you sis! And although I just read things that we have both known and communicated without you even having to say the actual words...knowing you, I know that this time, you mean it because you put yourself, THIS, out in the atmosphere.

I'm rooting for you and will be kicking your a** every step of the way. Because Lord knows I need it too!

(btw, can we still have AJ Bomber burgers when I come to town? It's only once every billion years so we should be good right?!)

7/09/2011 10:57 PM  

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