Phat to Fabulous!

Have you ever gotten up one morning and just thought to yourself...Who am I and how did I become this? I suppose I have been thinking about that a lot lately since I am coming up on my 10 year high school reunion. Somehow I got suckered into being on the reunion committee, long story, let's just say when you are best friends/sisters with the person that was the student body president you aren't given much of a choice. Anywho when I graduated from high school I was an honor roll student who smoked on the regular, both stanking packs of Newports and my earthly medicinal necessity, lol. I was heavily into my music, both singing and playing and thought that no matter what that would be my life forever and always. I dated a thugged out drug dealer who I just knew I was in love with. That summer I discovered that a girl who had been one of my best friends since the 6th grade decided to go sleep with my boyfriend. Why thanks that's a great way to celebrate your friendship.

When I got to college I just didn't know what to do with myself. I had freedom, I could come and go as I pleased, I could smoke and drink without having to worry about parents, and what the heck was a curfew? Plus after being scorned in love, I was the most heartless female there was. I kept the thugged out drug dealer boyfriend around even after the drama, if for nothing else, but the fact that I was stupid, oh and the free weed helped. The thing about it is now I had the attitude that well look two can play that game. If you can screw around so can I. I remember talking to so many guys at once I got tired. Trying to remember who I told what to, who I went to what restaurant or movie with. That ish got tiring. And the second a guy tried to get sentimental and use the "L"-word, he was out the door. I didn't have time for that. I used to put the "P" in pimpin'! Not sure how the heck I got away with all I did, the boyfriend was so freakin' possessive it wasn't even funny and the relationship was ridiculous and abusive from both sides. But in the end he got payback. I finally came to my senses when he got arrested and had the nerve to tell me that when he was arrested he was laying up in some other chick's bed. WTF? Do you realize who you are talking to? I suppose the down side of my relationships was that, I was always the cool girl friend. I hung out with my man and all his friends. I played spades and pool with them, watched basketball and football with them and talked shit just as much if not more than any of them. So when he talked to me, or any of the rest of the guys I was talking to did, it was like they were talking to one of their guy friends. This negro slipped up, though. He called talking about go get some of my money from my sister and take care of this or that for me. Puh-lease yo' ass is in jail. I went and got that money from his sister, I drank it up though, or bought new shoes with it, I don't remember. He must have lost his fool ass mind.

*harp music plays*

Now skip ahead 10 years later. I am married with two kids, I said I was never having kids. Been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5. I haven't really done much with my music over the past few years with the exception of a wedding here or there, or a karaoke night every once in a while. I am happy, but I feel like I too often put myself on the back burner and have done so too often over the past few years. I am always too busy to do for me, there's always soccer for J or ballet, or a football game for the husband. I had to start making myself do the girls trips every year just to get one weekend for me! And the weight loss thing is the first thing I am really trying to stick too. Which it depends on the day sometimes how well that goes. But other than going to the gym and MySpace (which completely doesn't count) I don't really have anything I do for me on the regular. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. My husband and kids rely on me, because I am mom and because this is what I have conditioned them to do over the years. I just wonder sometimes when at all in my past did I think this would be my life.

All of this being said, I have decided recently that I am really going to try to start doing my music again. I have still been writing some over the years. Although I am usually not so comfortable in sharing. I did share one thing I wrote on my MySpace blog sometime back though, you can check it out here if you want. I have been trying to make new connections here and there and I really think I want to start getting serious again. I miss my music. That was the one thing that kept me sane. And in the madness that is my life sometimes I feel like I need that again. I need my sanity back. So you know what I am going to do....

I'm gonna catch the groove, I hear it calling my name!

Holla...
~L~

ps - If you haven't checked it out lately check out the group weight loss blog, I did an update on there on Monday and another one just today!